OHMYGODIMONFIRE
by Autumne255
Summary: You know those annoying fanfics where they put some song lyrics right into the middle of a perfectly good fic, ruining the reading experience? Yeah? Well, this is one of them. Mockfic. Read and Review!
1. OHMYGODIMONFIRE

You know what irritates me? Songfics. No offense to those of you who write them, I have nothing against you, as a person. It's just...a songfic takes what could be a very good fanfiction and destroys it by inserting song lyrics into it. For me, at least, it takes me out of the story and ruins it for me. No offense, again. Anyways, this is my mock songfic. I heard this song again just a couple of days ago, and thought "Hey, why not make a ridiculous songfic out of this?" So that's what I did. Enjoy! The song is Ohmygodimonfire by Logan Whitehurst.

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**_See him running from the porch_**

**_Like some kind of human torch_**

Merlin was sitting in Gaius' chambers one day, just talking to Gaius as the physician prepared something smelly and medicinal looking over a flame, when it happened.

"Merlin," said Gaius suddenly

"Hmmm?" Merlin responded (not really a response, but at least he acknowledged that Gaius was speaking to him)

"Your sleeve is on fire," Merlin looked at his sleeve and saw that it was, indeed, on fire. He stared at it in shock for a moment before his mouth opened and he screamed. He stood up, knocking his chair over, and ran for the door, screaming like a crazy person. He ran through the castle, and then outside, still screaming.

**_Orange tendrils everywhere_**

He ran through the courtyard, flames dancing all over him, frightened bystanders running for cover. The bright flames licked his skin and shot through the air like, well, like flames.

**_Acrid stench of burning hair_**

The people in the market smelled him before they saw him. Nobody was quite sure why the insane screaming hadn't alerted them to the warlock running in their direction, but nobody really questioned it. People screamed a lot in Camelot, and no one ever seemed to notice.

"What's that smell?" someone asked

"Hell if I know," said somebody else

"Smells like something's burning," another person said

"Well, whatever it is, it's disgusting," said the first person. At that moment, Merlin ran into the marketplace, screaming his head off.

**_Flailing like a drowning bird_**

**_In the dirt he scrawls this word_**

Merlin fell to the ground, frantically clawing at his flaming clothing.

"Who's that?" said one of the villagers, all of whom were standing around just watching, not even screaming or trying to put him out.

"Hell if I know," said another, the same person, incidentally, who had said the very same answer when asked what that smell was.

"Isn't that Merlin?" said a rather observant townsperson

"Is it?" inquired yet another

"Isn't a Merlin a type of bird?" asked one peasant, who was normally rather antisocial, an avid birdwatcher who had just stopped in the market to buy some bird feed.

"Shut up" said a shop owner, "He's doing something" Merlin, at that moment, was scrawling something in the ground with his finger. Why he couldn't just say it is a mystery, but he must have had a perfectly legitimate reason. This being...whatever time period it was, and the crowd being peasants, nobody could actually read what he was writing. Gwen, however, who was inexplicably able to read perfectly, chose that moment to step out of her home, and read the word out loud,

_**O-H-M-Y-G-O-D-I-M-O-N-F-I-R-E**_

The crowd, however, had no idea what Guinevere had just spelled out, so they continued to watch Merlin burn with some sort of sick fascination. Perhaps this came from watching their king burn sorcerers just about every other day.

**_Burning right from head to shoe_**

**_Stop_**:**_ping, dropping, rolling too_**

Merlin stood up and started running again, his entire body engulfed in flame, still screaming like a maniac. Then he realized that he was being incredibly stupid and stopped. He then fell to the ground and started to roll and flop, trying desperately to smother the flames.

"Why is he still on fire?" asked a villager. Just then, Gaius ran by, hands flailing above his head,

"Saucery!" he screamed. The villagers looked at each other in confusion

"What did he just say?"

"I think he meant 'sorcery'" a general murmur of understanding went through the crowd. Of course, everything could be explained by that one simple word.

_**LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA**_

**_Local news is on the scene_**

Gaius ran to Uther.

"My lord," he gasped, "Saucery!"

"NO!" shouted Uther, "Really?"

"Of course, you idiot, now lets go look at it," and the two of them ran off to go what the fireworks show. Except it wasn't fireworks. It was just Merlin on fire. Just in case you forgot that.

_**See the writing on the screen**_

"Move aside," Uther shouted, as a large crowd of people had amassed around Merlin, "I am your king and you will let me pass or I will execute you all for treason!" Of course, everyone moved. Merlin, in the meantime, had added quite a bit to his message. Together, Gaius and Uther read:

**_O-H-M-Y-G-O-D-I-M-O-N-F-I-R-E-S-O-M-E-B-O-D-Y-P-U-T-M-E-O-U-T-F-O-R-C-R-Y-I-N-G-O-U-T-L-O-U-D_**

"What is the meaning of this, Gaius?" asked Uther.

"I believe, sire," the physician answered, "that it means that Merlin is on fire."

"Ah,"

**_I can hear the neighbors say_**

**_"Never liked him anyway."_**

Morgana smirked happily as she watched from her window

**_As I watch on my TV_**

**_They sweep away his dusty plea_**

"Weirdest episode ever," says Emachinescat to Kitty O, handing her the bucket of popcorn

"Tell me about it," say Poisoning-pigeons-in-the-park (no hyphens) and Vegetables-will-have-their-revenge (also with no hyphens) simultaneously, as they watch someone finally dump a bucket of water on Merlin, putting out the fire and leaving the extremely shmexy warlock mysteriously only slightly singed, and some helpful villagers brush away the message in the dirt. Autumne255 grumbles from the corner, where she has been put for saying that she actually kind of likes Uther. As the ending credits roll, the message flashes one more time across the screen:

**_O-H-M-Y-G-O-D-I-M-O-N-F-I-R-EEEEEE-eeeeeeee_**

**_

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_**There ya go, my mockfic. Featuring several of my favorite authors on here. And me. Hope you liked it! Read, review etc. If you liked it, tell your friends; if you didn't like it, just, shut up, m'kay?


	2. I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today

Hello again readers! Yet _another _chapter, so you are all either ecstatic or screaming in horror. Either way, you look like a total creepo right now. Try to hide your emotions, you're starting to scare people. Anyways, this one was a hard one to choose. I had a couple of songs in mind, but in the end, this one was the best. Anyways, if you could all go down to the bottom of the page, click on the little "review this chapter" button, and suggest a song. Please. Now to the chapter, with no explanation because I don't have one.

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The scene: Uther, Arthur, Leon, and other knights in a council meeting, talking about the news from the northern border. At least, Leon, Arthur and the knights are. Uther is listening and trying very hard not to laugh. Everyone notices but nobody cares to ask.

Uther was having a very hard time controlling his laughter. However, seeing as nobody asked him what was so funny, he assumed that he was doing a rather good job of it.

"Cenred has been trying to claim that these areas," Leon pointed at several points on the map as he spoke, "however-"

"I'm sorry," Uther interrupted, his face twitching with a suppressed laugh, "under where?" He giggled in a very un-kinglike manner. _Underwear_...

**_I'm not wearing underwear today_**

Leon stared at him for a moment, eyebrow raised.

"No..." he said, "not under something, my lord, under _Cenred_. He's a person. At least, as far as we're aware." the knights laughed. Uther laughed for an entirely different reason. It was strange, and weirdly freeing. The king wondered why he had never done this before. Probably because he couldn't keep a straight face when he was. _I wonder_ he thought to himself _how many other people in here have done the same thing._ He giggled again, and, lost in his thoughts, did not notice the strange look given him by the entire room, all at once.

**_No, I'm not wearing underwear today_**

**_Not that you probably care_**

**_Much about my underwear_**

They probably wouldn't care anyways. They were all far to mature, Uther thought, to find amusement at such a thing. Then again, he found great amusement in it. He contemplated this while Leon continued his report. Uther wasn't listening. The northern border was boring anyways.

**_Still none the less I gotta say,_**

Uther thought privately. He really did consider telling them, just to see how they would react. Yes, he would tell them. He just had to wait for just the right moment. He giggled again, merely ignoring the stares this time. He waited, smiling widely at his knights, for them to go back to talking. After a few moments, they did.

"I think that, for this situation, the best course of action would be to-" Leon was interrupted for the second time by Uther, who stood up and shouted:

**_That I'm not wearing underwear today!_**

The entire room fell silent. Leon and the knights gaped at their king in shock. Arthur turned red and slid down in his seat, desperately trying to disappear under the table. Uther just stood there, finger raised in the air dramatically, grinning like he had never grinned before. At that moment, every person in the room lost a significant amount of respect toward their king, because, well, it's hard to take someone seriously when they have just announced to you with a smile that they aren't wearing any underpants.

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Hope you liked it. Okay, so Uther was pretty OOC there, but I just had to do it. For some reason, he just seemed like the best character for this, especially because it's so OOC for him. Hope ya liked it! Review please, I need more songs. If you liked it, tell your friends. If you didn't, just...shut up, m'kay?


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